


Unwanted marriage

by SomebodyWeDontKnow



Category: Gintama
Genre: Group Date Cafe, I Tried, M/M, Persona Q - Freeform, Rated T for language, Yasogami see what i did there?, gintama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 01:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomebodyWeDontKnow/pseuds/SomebodyWeDontKnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki is forced into trying out Edo's new attraction... The "Yasogami's group date Café" where you're guaranteed to find your "destined partner". Well, Gintoki just so happens to be paired up with a certain mayora. They end up in a marriage none of them asked for and they're willing to do anything to get out of it, somehow Shinpachi gets the sinking feeling that they're going to need a really good lawyer... His Megane game is THAT strong...</p>
<p>Rated T for language and i need to warn you about Shamelessly referencing other fandoms :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finding his destined partner goes horribly wrong

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, this is my first Hijigin fic and my first work on this site, the plot seems stupid but hey! It's Gintama! Anything can happen right? Yeah, sorry... Any mistakes i'll probably fix at a later time because i am lazy, anyway i hope you enjoy :D

Okay, the shit Gintoki would have to go through lately was getting fucking ridiculous... Gintoki could just not figure out what the fuck he did to deserve this, no seriously... Kagura had signed him up for the fucking "find your destined partner" bullshit that had been spreading throughout Edo like the plague, where people had found their soul mates through a quiz you had to go through in a new cafe that had opened recently... And what the fuck was up with the name anyway? "Yasogami's group date café"? Sounded like something from a fucking video game... Wait, didn't something like that already happen before? Like in persona 4 or Q or something? Oh right, no referencing other fandoms just yet...

Gintoki sighed, mumbling curses as he entered the cursed café... The line wasn't as long as he expected it to be, which of course- might have something to do with the fact that there were like, ten doors connected to eachother or something, probably the place where you take the quiz... Gintoki sighed, when this was all over, Ketsuno Ana better be on the other side of that fucking quiz thing or he would have to strangle somebody... A guy dressed in a golden cupid costume ushered him into the first room, where a really stupid sounding mechanical voice spoke over the speakers "Question number 1... Does gender matter as long as there is love?"

What the hell kind of question is that!? Not that Gintoki had ever tried being in a relationship with another man before, and he's sure he wouldn't really mind if he truly loved the guy... Or if the guy had like- a life's supply of parfait or something... Anyway, he guessed it really didn't matter? So he answered truthfully, though it sounded a bit awkward. "Ehm, i guess it doesn't matter? I mean, if you love eachother..." he shrugged, and nearly screamed as the door opened with a 'pfsshhhhh' what the hell? Trying to jumpscare him!

Gintoki shook his head in anger and headed for the next room, and then after answering the question there, he headed for the next door, and each time the interior design got mushier and mushier with hearts and teddy bears, and the questions got increasingly nonsensical. By the end of it all he was so tired and so angry that even the thought of his beloved Ketsuno Ana being at the other side couldn't keep him from imagining his hands tightening around the yato girl's neck. Though he knew he never could, she was one of his kids afterall...

As gintoki entered the final room of the idiotic quiz, he nearly jumped out of his skin, the blue and pink teddy bears he had seen earlier was standing in the middle of the room facing eachother in wedding clothes. Except that something that could only be the muzzle of a monster had torn the face of the pink one in half "What the fuck!? Have i suddenly been transported to five nights at Freddy's now!?" he screamed, clawing at the door he came from that closed behind him with a bang, almost as if sealing his fate.

But instead of gaining an answer, the mechanical voice sounded over the speakers again "And so, laugh or cry; here is the final question..." there was a pause. Before suddenly "What would you do, if somebody you don't care for- confesses their love?" and then there was silence, waiting for Gintoki to answer the question. "Uh, well.... I guess i would try to start out as friends? Or at least try to..." he shurgged awkwardly, and the voice spoke again "You have summoned your will and selected an answer. This concludes the questioning. There are no correct answers, only the path you have chosen..." theres a short pause, before "Well then... The time has come to announce your destined partner..." there is a long pause this time, but Gintoki could only sigh "About fucking time... sheesh"

Suddenly, there's a drumroll, and spotlights land on the door. "Your destined partner is- Lo and behold!" the door creaks open and smoke pours into the room, Gintoki can't help but chant "Ketsuno Ana, Ketsuno Ana, pleaaase let it be Ketsuno Ana! Gin-san deserves nothing less!" but as per usual, his luck is the worst... He can hear coughing before Hijikata stumbles into the room- spotlights on him and the most annoying "tadaa" sound in the history of ever blasted all around him from seemingly out of nowhere. But before either of them could react, the floor flips downwards, making a stupid pitfall... Gintoki screamed as loudly as his lungs would allow- which was pretty damn loud, and he swore he could hear the shinsengumi dog let out a howl of his own. He lands on something soft, and looks down to see Hijikata on his stomach, ass in the air and Gintoki on his back. Hijikata groans and gets up on his legs, not caring that Gintoki is still on his back. "Aaaouch! What the fuck Oogushi-kun! You can't treat me like that, i'm the main character!" he huffs, getting up on his feet. Gintoki tried to brush off his clothes, and the key word really being 'tried' because he quickly realized that just that would be difficult in his current condition. His hand seems to be stuck with Hijikata's... Hijikata grumbles something under his breath, while Gintoki tries to pull their hands apart while shouting something among the lines of "Not this crap again"

They're interrupted however, as the same fucking mechanical voice once again decides to be a dick and announce more useless shit... "It seems, you have reached your destination..." Hijikata freezes "What the fuck do you want from me!? And how the hell did i even get here!?" but his shrieks of anger are only responded to with a "This seems to be a path where lovers who met their destined partners discuss their love for eachother... What could be waiting up ahead? You are free to step forth hand-in-hand, curiosity and fear in your hearts, or you can refrain." Hijikata huffs, and Gintoki narrows his eyes "Great! Then we refrain, get us the hell out of here!" they scream in unison, huffing at the voice. The voice spoke again, and the two actually hoped that they would get a decent answer this time, but nope... No such luck... "You are free to step forth, or refrain from doing so. These are your apparent options... Now, step forth!" the mechanical voice sounds dry and empty, but still demanding.

"Asshole, you said you would give us a choice!" Hijikata screamed at the disembodied voice. Gintoki busied himself with trying to get their hands apart, but it seemed like they were glued together or something. When they realized that nothing they did or said would get them an intelligent answer they sighed in defeat "Why did it have to be you?" Gintoki sobbed dramatically into his free hand "Gin-san doesn't deserve this!" he cried again. Hijikata rolled his eyes "Man up... I don't even know how i got here... One minute i was patrolling, the next i was here... Is this that 'meet your destined partner' shit that's been so popular lately?" Gintoki nods in response, to busy mourning his love life to come up with an actual intelligent answer... Hijikata sighs yet again "Oh goody..."

Gintoki ignored Hijikata and turned his head to look around, no escape there, and he couldn't even see the way they came from anymore... It was all replaced by a blue sky, seemed kind of realistic actually... All in all there seemed to be no choice but to keep going, and Hijikata obviously also realized this, and they both started to walk simoultaneously. They didn't get far however, as they approached something that looks like a picture frame, that goddamned mechanic voice decided to speak up again. "Suddenly, all in attendance hear an announcement." Hijikata rolls his eyes, staring down at his feet in frustration. There was a ladybug crawling along the path, trying to get to the other side... Now he wasn't at all in the mood to observe the scenery, especially not when he was supposed to be on patrol... And not with the natural perm... But he couldn't help but notice the little thing, and he had to fight down the urge to stomp on he poor creature.

"Up ahead, they see a bride and a groom's joyous commemorative photograph of love..." Hijikata immediately lifts his head and if he had a cigarette he would have either swallowed the thing and possily choked on it or maybe even chopped it in half inbetween his teeth. Gintoki visibly froze, not knowing wether to laugh or to cry. "They confer between themselves on wether to look at it, or to ignore it..." the voice finishes, and Hijikata turns towards the general direction of where the sound came from "You could have said that sooner asshole!" he seethed, raising his fist in a threat. Gintoki shivered "I wish i could have ignored it... i really do" he mumbled, grimacing. The picture in itself seemed normal, a groom carrying his bride princess style... Now the picture would have been quite beautiful, if it didn't have their faces on it... "And why the fuck am i the bride!?" Gintoki screamed at the mechanical voice, but it didn't answer this time. 

Hijikata snorted at this "Because there is no way in hell i would have worn a dress if we ever got married..." he glares, and Gintoki glares back in full "Well, neither would i mayora asshole!" he was about to throw a punch, but didn't remember that his hand was stuck to Hijikata's, who managed to hold their hands back just in time "Oh you wanna go sugar freak!?" he raised his free hand threateningly, not even thinking to pull kindness out of her scabbard. Gintoki took a deep breath through his nose, before his dead fish eyes turned blank. Then he calmly said "I would, but i don't hit mayoras... It's dirty..."

Hijikata could literally feel his veins pulse in anger, "Oh it's on..." Hijikata threw the first punch, which Gintoki dodged with ease, it was when Gintoki tried to kick Hijikata's legs from underneath him he realized his mistake, they were still attached together, before they could even realize what was happening they were both sprawled out on the ground, tangled in their arms and legs. "BAD. IDEA!" Gintoki groaned through grit teeth. Hijikata nodded in agreement, suddenly feeling the overwhelming need to have a cigarette... They somehow got up on their feet, but the tension was thick and they both felt the extreme need to strangle eachother, which wasn't unusual.... But when they were stuck together, it was horrible... Hijikata reached over to grab his lighter and his pack of cigarettes, but the lighter seemed to be just out of reach. Usually he would keep it in his breastpocket, but today he had put it in the pocket on his pants.

Gintoki saw his struggles, and knew that if the demon vice commander didn't get his nicotin, things would get bad very quick... So Gin stuck his hand into Hijikata's pocket, promptly ignoring the offended look he was getting. "Cuz Gin-san is just that kind" he huffed proudly as he handed the lighter to Hijikata, who glared before mumbling a small "Thank you" which was kind of hard with his cigarette between his lips. Gintoki grinned, feeling proud "You should just be glad i'm not charging you for that..." he picked his nose with his pinky, staring at the booger before flicking it off. Hijikata grimaced, and nearly bit his cigarette in two "For handing me my own fucking lighter? I wouldn't pay you for something that trivial... If you had gotten me mayonnaise however- things would be a bit different..."

"Anyway, we should get a move on..." Hijikata mumbled after taking the first drag of his cigarette, god that felt good... Gintoki nodded "I don't think we should linger for too long... That mechanical voice seemed to want us to move quickly... I don't really want to find out what happens if we disobey..." he shrugs before getting his ass moving again. Hijikata really has no choice but to follow, and Gintoki looks around in disgust. With Heart arches over their heads, a canopy hanging from the ceiling with those two teddy bears again, flowers, green grass... Really the perfect place for a nap... But with this guy? It was Hell... And then they ran into an invisible wall of sorts... "What the fuck?" Gintoki grumbled under his breath.

Hijikata pulled them both towards a sign on the ground, and Gin could feel his face go paler "Oh no please! Please no!" Hijikata looked ready to either vomit or laugh his ass off, kind of like stuck between either... Hijikata then got his composure back "W-well... If we don't... We won't get through..." he tried, but it was hard to keep his laughter down. Gintoki pointed accusingly at him "You are not carrying me princess style... If we have to do this to get through, then i'm carrying you..." his face had turned bright red from frustration, and maybe some embarrassment as well. Hijikata shook his head, flipping them both around before anyone could do anything. And that's how Gin found himself being carried like a fucking princess... "No way in hell i'm letting you carry me... If i did you'd just drop me..." Hijikata accused, glaring. Gintoki blinked, trying to seem innocent "I have no idea what you're talking about... Now let me down!"

Hijikata shook his head "Trust me, i'd want nothing more than to drop you on your ugly ass right now, but as we stated earlier- we have to do this to get through..." Truth be told, Hijikata felt like he was in control for once and god did that feel good. Would definately have felt better if the natural perm would stop struggling though... "This is humiliating..." Gintoki mumbled after they had gone through the invisible wall. "Okay, we're through get me the fuck down from here, our hands are still stuck and it hurts like a fucking bitch..." he whined, Hijikata shrugged, abrubtly dropping Gintoki's legs, but still keeping a frim hold on his shooulder so that they don't both fall again. Gintoki glared, using his free hand to flip the mayora off, god damn this pose kind of reminded him of when they were dancing tango, it pissed him off.

So much in fact, that he ended up punching Hijikata in the fucking face for good measure. "Hey! I didn't drop you all the way you should be happy i got you this far you fucking sadist!" Hijikata grumbled from underneath his hand that was squeezing on his nose to lessen the pain. Gintoki stuck his tongue out and kept walking without the other's consent. Not caring about the cursing and swearing following him. Hijikata even managed to drop his Cigarette during the struggle, furthering his his annoyance. Then the mechanical voice decided to interfere again, just as they managed to make their way towards a church-looking door. "The long-awaited moment has come. The bride and groom are finally about to enter, the last moment of hesitation has arrived before you are to be wed"

Gintoki's eyes widened as did Hijikata's "Ohhh hell no! Nope, nuh-uh not doing this! You have reached a Gin-san that is no longer in service, please try again later!" Gintoki screamed in that high pitched voice of his, and Hijikata shook his head in fear "Oh please, Mitsuba have mercy on me!" his desperate cries seemed futile however "Through your own free will, you decide to vow eternal love to each other." Gintoki screamed again, frantically trying to pull their hands apart, Hijikata even went as far as to pull out his sword, screaming "Hold still! I'll cut off your fucking hand! Just let me leave this place!" "Noo! Leave my beautiful hand out of this! Kagura i'm going to fucking gut you for this!" he shrieked, shaking their hands violently. "W-what does China have to do with anything!?" Hijikata screamed back, his face going redder by the second. "She was the one who signed me up for this bullshit!" Gintoki made the ugliest face Hijikata had ever seen, still struggling to get their hands apart. "Now, open the door together!" the mechanical voice finished before dying down. "No shut up you! Go away!" Gintoki was actually turning blue from the exhertion.

Soon they were both sprawled on the ground again, both of them breathing heavily. "I fucking hate my life..." Gintoki breathed into his sleeve, which was currently covering his face. Hijikata stayed quiet but couldn't help but agree, what would Mitsuba say if she was still here? The thought hurt but he couldn't help but think it... Knowing her she would probably just laugh about it...

Hijikata shook the thought out of his head, and pulled Gintoki to his feet "Let's just go in, and make a fucking break for it... That or we can always get a divorce afterwards!" Hijikata suggested, shuddering in disgust at the thought of marrying the natural permed sugar freak. Gintoki gasped "What of the children!? How can you not think of the children! Oh they'll be heartbroken!" Gintoki cried dramatically like the ass he was, and Hijikata found his brow to be ticking and his murder intent growing by the second "What kids!? We don't have any kids! We're both male you asshole!" Hijikata seethed, to which Gintoki pouted "I do have kids, you're just jealous!" he stuck his tongue out and turned away, trying to cross his arms without remembering that they were still stuck together. Hijikata rolled his eyes, pulling their arms back, before forcefully dragging Gintoki over to the church door, they glared at eachother one final time before opening the door together.


	2. Some smart ass chapter name...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days have passed and our two favourite guys are unhappily married and feeling like shit...
> 
> Hijikata goes on a patrol and yells at people while Gintoki wallows in self-pity...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo yeah, this chapter isn't edited either, so you'll have to excuse me haha! I'd also like to apologize for any gramatical errors, but i am not English- even though that may be quite obvious haha!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed!

Gintoki actually felt like crying, sure the wedding had been beautiful and all, but he was still- as a matter of fact- married to the Mayora... They did try to run away, nearly made it too... But it just so happened that Gintoki tried to go left and Hijikata right- and with their hands still stuck together that proved to be difficult, and saying no helped nobody... And to make matters worse- he could not remove his wedding ring... They tried for hours, prying, using butter, mayonnaise, oil and everythig they could to get the blasted thing off, but to no avail... Nothing helped, well, at least they didn't kiss... Or they did, just not directly... Remembering it still pissed him the fuck off...

*

_After some stupid ass card-looking amanto caught them after their failed escape, they were put by the altar and nearly tied down. The mayora fiddled with his pockets and Gintoki was willing himself to just die right there... But no, even when they said no to being together forever, the mechanic voice who apparently also was qualified to be a priest- still made them valid wife and husband, or husband and husband... Then suddenly, right after the "you can now kiss the bride" Hijikata had smashed their faces together... Gintoki had been too shocked to process anything, but when he did come back to his senses he was furious... "Really!? You really went there you fucking mayora!?" he tried to scream, the key word being tried- for it just so happened that a piece of tape was firmly stuck to his lips, sealing them together..._

*

"Damn that mayora, going all Ranma 1/2 on me that asshole..." Gintoki muttered under his breath, shaking his head in frustration. Then after Gintoki had ripped the tape off and they had nearly killed eachother again- the damn amanto had grabbed their arms and forced the damn rings on their fingers. And now they wouldn't come off...

Of course he had strangled Kagura when he came back home, and she had been overjoyed when she saw the ring... But Gintoki had only been feeling sick, ever since he left the mayora he had been nauseaous and dizzy and it sucked ass... He felt cold... Not just his skin but inside of him too... And then he had to go through the hell of telling Kagura who exactly it was he had ended up marrying and of course adding how much he hated every second of it and how he was plannng on filing for a divorce...

Kagura hadn't been too happy about hearing the last part, and the brat even had the audacity to laugh when she realized he was married to the mayora... She even commented on how well they fit eachother! Hah, not in a million years! Gintoki shivered in disgust, but somehow he found his cheeks to redden. Oh fuck... Was he getting sick? was it lack of sugar? or maybe- dare he think it? too much sugar!? dehydration? Cancer? The flu!?

Gintoki sat down, rubbing his face in his hands, the entire situation was tiring to say the least... Especially when the Mayora kept popping up wherever he went! He was always there nowadays, and even dared to accuse Gintoki of stalking him! Hah, he should get his ugly ass off of his high-horse already!

Gintoki sighed, closing his eyes. He still felt sick, like he was about to throw up, and with the way business was going nowadays, he couldn't afford an appointment to the doctor... Shinpachi worriedly placed a glass of water and some aspirin on the table in front of him, and Gintoki managed a small but grateful smile. "I feel like i'm dying!" Gintoki groaned dramatically, falling back on the couch. He clutched his chest, he felt... Empty.... Uncomplete... Probably the stupid ring messing with hs head. He even tried to go to otose with it, but Catherine tried to chop his hand off... Tama wanted to use a lazerbeam and the crazy old fart wanted to test some robot thing on it... "Yeah, no thank you... Gin-san values his life!" he thought bitterly, chewing on his lower lips while picking his nose with his pinky.

Now even though none of what had happened made any sense at all, Gintoki decided to roll with it since this is a fanfiction and what the author says/writes- automatically becomes law. Crazy fangirls...

Hijikata wasn't faring any better, Kondo had forced the info out of him, and had tried very hard to compose himself so that he wouldn't choke on his coffee... Well, that plan ended up in a massive failure and the damn gorilla actually nearly drowned... Death by coffee, because why not!? And Sougo had also tried to be "helpful" and said he'd use a saw to cut the ring off, but instead of carefully going for the ring like he had promised- he ended up aiming for Hijikata's head, who nearly ended up with his head rolling on the floor. Sougo had been very dissapointed...

Yamazaki wasn't of any use either, he had congratulated him and even bought cake layered with extra mayo to celebrate... Damn Yamazaki... Cake was good though... But that's besides the point... Hijikata was pissed, and feeling unwell... Maybe the stress of it all had given him ulcers or something? He felt like throwing up, and eating became a drag, and even smoking seemed like too much work, which ended up in his entire faction falling into a panicked frenzy where everyone ran around screaming about the end of the world... Even Sougo was frightened, so much in fact that he tried to stuff ten cigarettes down the vice-Chief's throat....

So Hijikata had spent the past few days coped up in his room with Paperwork-san, it was very relaxing... Though he would rather be out on patrol and protect the citizens... But every time he was out for anything he would run into the natural perm... And the guy actually seemed happy to see him at times, though he might not realize so himself...

Hijikata stretched, sighing in contentment as his joints crackled and popped into place. He felt stiff from sitting on his ass for too long, and so he found himself outside with a cigarette bewteen his lips and a bottle of mayo in his pocket. Kondo had made him switch to the "no-fat" one... It tasted good and all, but it just wasn't the same... Hijikata blew out a cloud of smoke, watching as it floated up towards the sky before disappearing into the evening light...

Surprisingly he didn't meet Gintoki this time... And he let out a sigh of relief, but his finger gently rubbed the golden band around his finger and he frowned, feeling worse than before... Maybe that damned Yorozuya did something to him? He spit out the stump of his cigarette, stomping on the embers. He had gone through two packs that day... Sougo had even dared call him a chimney... He should just commit seppuku already...

Hijikata sighs, letting his gaze wander along the streets. Nothing suspicious to report, save for some losers playin pachinko by the alley... Hijikata rolls his eyes, as much as he would like to tell them off, they probably hadn't been there for long, and no complaints had been filed yet... Speaking of complaints- he should probably speak with the perm about their impending divorce... Hijikata glared at the ring, how did he end up forced into a marriage anyway? He had been patrolling the streets when the card-like amanto bastards pulled him into some room or something... It had all gone down so quickly he barely remembered it all... And with Gintoki of all people!? How that happened- he didn't even want to know...

Hijikata sighed, making his way back towards the barracks. He would need an attourney for this shit... Though Gintoki once took the role of one, he wouldn't really trust the guy with something that important. The guy had this weird tendency to do weird shit when you'd least expect it... What if he suddenly decided to trick somebody into giving him all their stuff? Even though that would imply that the sugar freak was nothing more than a thief, and it's pretty well known that Gintoki is no thief, but it does sound like something he'd do... If not their stuff, then at least their food or something...

Hijikata fumbled with his packet of cigarette's, he lit up another one, sighing in relief as the constant nausea he had been feeling these days settled down a little... If he didn't know any better he'd say that Sougo had probably poisoned him or something like that... But if that was the case, he would have been dead by now... Sougo doesn't exactly beat around the bush when it comes to shit like this... Hijikata just wished he would have used that motivation to actually do his work... But he had learned the hard way that Sougo is an unpredictable person, he does his work when he feels like it and most of the time he lazes around with the Natural perm by the Dango shop...

Hijikata lets his mind wander, something he doesn't do very often, but he has to admit that it's good sometimes at least... He still keeps a keen eye on what's happening around him though, assassination attempts and troublemakers aren't exactly new... Or what if he ran into Katsura? He'd have to be alert for that too, seeing as the guy was an expert at running away... Hijikata begrudgingly notes that he's about to enter Kabukichou, the chance of meeting Gintoki just went up by 95%... Hijikata was tempted to just turn around and go back then and there, but he still had to get back to the barracks, and the fastest way was through Kabukichou... Sadly... Hijikata glances up at Gintoki's window when he passes by, glad to see that there's nobody home... Goddamn yorozuya... If he hadn't entered that stupid café, they wouldn't even be in this situation.

Hijikata stares down at his ring again, taking a huge drag out of his cigarette. The ash fell like gray snow, and immediately blended in with the dirt... Hijikata glares at the damn thing, lifting his hand to try and pull it off again. But he let it fall to his side instead... He had tried countless times already, trying again wouldn't help anybody... The only way would be to either chop off his own finger or go to the managment of that stupid café and have them remove it... The first option didn't seem too tempting... So, managment it is...

Hijikata sighs, continuing his journey back to the barracks, Edo is surpisingly quiet tonight... Which is a little strange... Somebody bumps into his shoulder, and Hijikata turned around to snap at the guy who did it, but then he noticed the small golden band around his finger, the same type of ring that he was wearing himself... Next to the guy was a petite girl, wearing the same ring... Hijikata clicked his tongue, quickly turning to get away from them... Fucking group date café... he couldn't even work without being reminded of his forced relationship... Like hell he's be the husband of the Yorozuya freak...

No matter what anybody at the barracks says, or what the yorozuya kids say- that marriage would have to go, nothing good could come of it... Hijikata actually manages to imagine them living together and just the thought gives the worst kind of shivers, he grimaces. Definately not an enjoyable thought... Isn't there any way at all to get out of it? Without realizing it- Hijikata's legs has taken him completely off route and he found himself in front of the goddamned Café that basically fucked his life sideways... Hijikata snorts and enters the building, stomping right up to a young woman sitting by the front desk of the entrance. She smiled kindly as Hijikata slams his hands on the desk in front of her, she doesn't seem fazed in the least "Hello! What can i help you with?" she chirped, which only seemed to darken Hijikata's mood.

"I'll tell you how you can help- i want this fucking thing off!" he hissed at her, holding up his hand for her to look at the ring. Her eyes widened and she was clearly shocked by this "Are you not happy with our service?" she questioned, her brows furrowing, Hijikata snorted "Hell yeah i'm unhappy! I was on patrol when you guys pulled me into this dark room and forced me into a marriage with the guy on top of my blacklist!" he growled, tapping his fingers impatiently. The woman yet again seemed surprised by this "Well yes, even though we treated you a bit rough- you were the most compatible with our guest- or at least it appears so... We've never had an unhappy couple before, so if you could please just give this a chance?" she really seemed like she wanted to make the relationship work, but that was probably just because of the bad feedback- he was the first afterall...

"I refuse... I want you to get this thing off of me or so i swear to god i will get a warrant to tear this place down..." he threatened, earning a frightened look in return "I'm sorry, i'll have to call the manager if you keep this up sir..." she tried, but her eyes were wide in panic "Call the manager because of a complaint? You people forced me into a marriage i didn't ask for! Me and that Yorozuya freak being compatible does not change the fact that it was all done by force!" Hijikata hissed, but realizing that though he was right, he was about to step over a line he couldn't return from- so he pulled his card out of his pocket and slammed it onto her desk, turning to leave "When you're ready to fix this shit give me a call... And if you don't call by the end o fthe week, then i'll be back to warn you again... This is an offense!" he bellowed before finally exiting the café, leaving the poor receptionist to quake in fear.

*

Gintoki flicked the little piece of snot away from his pinky, he had just finished watching Ketsuno Ana, not that he could hear much of what she was saying considering he felt worse and worse every passing minute. Probably the stupid Mayora's fault, and Kagura's for that matter... She had bought him a few cartons of strawberry milk, a parfait and a jump to console him, but after finishing his parfait, he hadn't really touched anything else, which made the kids worry even more.. How had Kagura been able to afford all that anyway? She had better not be selling his stuff on the streets again or he'd break her neck...

He turned on the couch, letting out a long and slightly exhaggerated groan of pain. He felt like shit and nothing he ate, drank or did could change that... And when he felt like that without knowing why- it obviously made him quite irritable... He had even snapped at Shinpachi for closing the door too loudly when he got back from shopping the other day... Gintoki had ofcourse apologized later, but Shinpachi had still made sure to be careful after that...

The kids were currently out for a walk with Sadaharu, the mutt had been whining and complaining all day, and it had eventually led to Gintoki practically screaming at nothing, and the Kids had taken the hint... Though Kagura looked extremely depressed, Sadaharu had tried to make up by licking his hand and Shinpachi had stared at him with a look of disapproval, which looked even more intense because of his glasses... That look terrefied even Gintoki to a certain extent, so he had apologized to them all and went back to sleep. But when he was awake again- the kids hadn't returned yet... And it was getting dark too- now he wasn't too worried about them being kidnapped or anything- because they were both strong, nobody could deny that... Or at least Kagura was, Shinpachi only had his glasses to protect him as carrying swords was illegal if you're not a member of the shinsengumi...

Gintoki would rather die than to see Shinpachi become one of those dogs!

Even just the thought left a bitter taste in his mouth, eugh... Now he had managed to remind himself of Hijikata- fan-fucking-tastic... His mood darkened again and he growled into the pillow he was resting his head on. He'd need a lawyer, and that would require money he didn't have- except... If he took the job as a lawyer again, he could defend himself against Hijikata's advances if there ever were some... Like the Mayora would want to steal his stuff hah, he could try... Though Gin knew the mayora wouldn't settle for his stuff, no he would most likely have thrown his poor ass in jail... Or maybe not? Because if he did, then the kids would be in his custody...

Gintoki actually laughs at this thought, his mood lightening again. He could just imagine it- the kids causing all sorts of trouble with Hijikata trying to soothe them... They'd eat all of the Shinsengumi's food, and Sadaharu would probably pee everywhere, and maybe even bite Gorilla's head off... Gintoki's smile fell, because while they were going to be doing all of those things he would be sitting in jail without seeing his precious kids grow up... That thought was depressing in many ways, Gintoki snorted "As if they'd let me go to jail in the first place... They would probably make some crazy attempt at breaking me out within the first hour, and then they'd mess up in some way and the three of them would all be stuck in jail together... And then Shinpachi would say something sappy like "At least we're all together!" or something sappy like that...

Well, Gintoki supposed he didn't completely oppose to that idea... At least he'd have them by his side to watch them grow instead of having the Mayora try to convert them... Gintoki shook his head- sitting up on the couch. Perhaps he'd go meet them today... Take them somewhere to eat or something... He was getting hungry and the money he had gotten for fixing a roof that day was enough to buy them at least a decent meal... Though eating at home would be cheaper. But they couldn't leave Shinpachi to the cooking everyday now could they?


	3. Chapter 3: Convertion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki and Hijikata are forced to treat eachother after squabbling at the law firm, and they gain an unexected ally. Excuse me for trying way too hard to be funny XP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait! I was being lazy haha! Anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It was fun to write... And i would appreciate it if you guys left a review- or tell me if i've done anything wrong with their characters... Thanks~~

What the hell was up with the awkward silence around here? No seriously... Gintoki was busy picking his nose, and Hijikata was soon at his breaking point... The attourney looked at them both through her thick glasses "So, how long is it exactly, that you've been married?" She asked, supporting her chin on her hands like some sort of mafia boss. Gintoki shrugged "A week? I don't know..." he then flicked his booger away somewhere else. Hijikata cringed, fucking gross... The attoruney's eyes widened behind her glasses "Ah, i see... Now, would you mind telling me how exactly you got married?" she gestured for them to speak. Hijikata took the initiative this time "We were forced by those group date café fuckers..." he crossed his arms over his chest, itching to light his cigarette that was hanging loosely from his mouth. Gintoki nodded in agreement "Yeup... That's about all there is to it, i have nothing to add..."

The attourney pushed her glasses upwards "I see... That is dire... You tell me that you cannot remove your rings, has this caused you to feel strange in any way lately?" she questioned, gesturing towards their hands. They both nodded in unison, surprising themselves "Yeah... I've been feeling like _shit_ for the past week, and it only becomes worse and worse every day... Probably my body rejecting the thought of being married to this guy..." Gintoku shudders, sticking his tongue out like he just ate something really gross... Hijikata was starting to get tempted to deck the fucker... though, he had actually thought the very same thing just a while ago...

The attourney hums, taking notes of this "I see... I will contact a docot to exam your physical health sometime this week, is that acceptable?" she seemed like she had already made up her mind, yet she still asked for permission. Gintoki shrugged "Sure... I have no objections, how about you mayonnaise-brain?" he flicked another booger away, and even the attourney seemed slightly put off this time. Hijikata snorted 'Mayonnaise-brain...' that one was definately new... "No objections here either, just make you don't succumb to diabetes by then you permy sugar freak..." he retorted, resisitng the urge to flip the bastard off.

The attourney ignored their childish bantering and cleared her throat to get their attention "Right, i'll look into this and see what i can do... I don't believe the two of you can go through with the divorce until we've solved the problems with your rings..." she sighed, pushing her bangs backwards.

Gintoki's mouth fell open in the ugliest expression he's made yet- or at least according to Hijikata... "Whaaat? Why do i have to stay married to this bastard!?" he whined loudly, waving his arms around like som child, hitting Hijikata on the back of his head multible times in the process. It kind of looked like Hijikata's brow was trying to escape now.

"Oi! Stop doing that asshole! You're hitting me on purpose aren't you!?"

"No eww! Why would i want to purposely touch an ugly Mayora like you!?"

"You asked for it natural perm!"

"Ow! Why did you punch me!?"

"You started it dickhead!"

"I didn't do it on purpose! You did, there's a major difference there!"

"No way in hell! Your logic is flawed! You got some serious issues!"

The attourney watched in stunned silence as the two continued to banter like children, she didn't quite know if she was to be amused or put off by their behaviour, but she guessed that they got along well enough, though they might not notice this themselves. She stood up abrubtly, tiring of their fighting, though- she mostly knew that they wouldn't have stopped if she hadn't interrupted... "The two of you are dismissed... I will contact you about your doctor's appointment soon enough... That is all, farewell..." she bowed, and her voice was flat, but Gintoki's danger senes still went off at the tone of her voice, this lady was could probably be as strong as Otae if she wanted to...

"Thank you, for having us..." Hijikata bowed, turning to make his exit, Gintoki followed suit, but waved instead of bowing... "Bye bye~~" he called, and sped after the chief "Hold on you asshole! I demand compensation for the damage you inflicted on me! And i will accept no other payment than at least one jumbo sized parfait!" he crossed his arms, ignoring Hijikata's annoyed eyeroll.

"You haven't done _anything_ that deserves that parfait, nor do i owe you anything! Since you were the one who started it..." Hijikata argued, crossing his arms. Gintoki narrowed his eyes "Do you really want to go there Oogushi-kun? WHo do you think the police would believe if i say you assulted me huh?"

"Are you an idiot? Me of course! I'm _in_ the police moron!"

"I call that foul play! Abuse of power! Help, help! Gin-san is being assulted by a corrupt policeman!" Gintoki cried pathetically when Hijikata reached over to strange the bastard.

"You picking a fight ahn!?" Hijikata growled, grabbing Gintoki's yukata, Gintroki however, returned the favor. They pushed against eachother, both trying to gain the upper hand, it was when Gintoki's eyes sparkled in victory however, Hijikata realized that he was being played, yet because of this, he was able to narrowly avoid getting tripped.

"Hah! I saw that coming from miles Yorozuya! You'll have to try harder than that!" he cried in triumph, causing Gintoki to snarl in return.

"Oh really now!? then how about this!?"

Gintoki twisted himself so that Hijikata lost grip on his yukata, and used the momentum to get to Hijikata's back where he mounted the other man, pulling his head backwards.

"How do you like that fucker!?"

Gintoki laughed in triumph at Hijikata's furious but strangled growl. Hijikata refused to give up that easily however, and grabbed Gintoki's arms before throwing him off of himself, gasping for air when Gintoki was launched forwards, still landing on his feet like some butt-ugly cat, minus the grace. Actually- he looked more like a slug trying to do acrobatics...

The attourney peeked her head through the doorway, making her fury known by sending the duo a glare that could peel paint...

"Would you mind taking this somewhere else!?" she bellowed before slamming the door shut. The two remained silent for a while, before Gintoki straightened himself up, a sneer plastered on his face, he crossed his arms over his chest, looking all superior 'n shit.

"Hah! See? Now you've inconvenienced the nice attourney lady! Shame on you, useless corrupted policeman!"

"I already told you, i'm not corrupted jackass!"

And round two had already begun. If it hadn't been for security forcing them apart, they would more than likely have sent eachother to the hospital.

Though they found themselves peacefully resting at a Café not fifteen minutes later, having been forced to cooperate. Gintoki grumpily ate his parfait, glaring at Hijikata who fished out a bottle of mayonnaise for his coffee.

"You know, your blood is gonna clot up and you'll die if you keep that up..." Gintoki commented boredly, using the other end of the spoon to scratch his head. Hijikata took a big sip out o fhis coffee, trying to relay his answer for as long as possible, he really, _really_ didn't feel like replying either...

"Like you're the one to talk you freak... All of that parfait's gonna pop a blood vessel sooner or later..." Hijikata spat, using his own spoon to mix the drink properly.

"Hey, at least my death will be sweet, not bland and icky like yours will be..." Gintoki stuck his tongue out, using the opportunity to lick some cream off of his lower lip.

"It isn't good to squabble this early in the marriage!" somebody called, and both Gintoki and Hijikata shivered... Of course it would be her.... They turned towards Otae in unison, she stared down at them with a kind smile, cocking her head slightly to the side. In her arms she carried her shopping basket, this time she had bought a few eggs among other things.

"We're not... _Married_..." Gintoki spat, then scarfed down some more parfait to remove the taste of that icky word. "This is merely some... Minor setback... A shitty plot point nobody asked for... After going through so much shit, you start to wonder where the fangirls get these sick ideas..." he grumbled, chewing on his spoon.

Hijikata scowled, though he didn't know the Shimura girl that well, he knew that she could be quite scary if she wanted to. "How did you find out anyway? There are so many people out there who's been to that stupid café, so i doubt people should care who gets married or not..." he huffed, lighting up a cigarette that he fished out of his pocket.

"Well, Shin-Chan told me of course! Besides, you may not be the first pair to be brought together like this; You're the first pair to reject eachother... Isn't that something worth spreading?" Otae smiled, shifting her basket slightly. Hijikata was about to refute, but one warning look from Gintoki shut him up. Not because Gintoki was frightening or anything... But it seemed like he wasn't warning hijikata about being rude for Otae's sake... It was the kind of "Keep going down this route and she'll kill you" kind of look.

"Too bad though, you two make such a cute couple!" she smiled sweetly, clapping her hands together. Hijikata made a face at that particular comment, and Gin nearly banged his head on the table, as he had figured that the greatest idea ever, was to balance his forehead on the end of the spoon, the other end sticking into the table.

"No really... We don't... We're not even friends! Hell, we don't even like eachother!" Gintoki snapped, seeming depressed now that he'd finished his parfait. Hijikata huffed under his breath "Finally something we agree on..." he mumbled, blowing out a puff of smoke.

"Eh? To me it looks like you get along just fine, you're even eating together right now, see?" Otae giggled, shifting the basket a little. "Well, we were kind of forced too... By our attourney... If i got him a cup of coffee, he would get me a prfait and our problem would be solved... Or so she said..." Gintoki yawned, resting his chin on the table "Doesn't seem to have worked, he still seems like a dumbass mayora to me..." he added boredly, a sigh following suit.

"What was that sugar freak!?" Hijikata growled, slamming his coffee cup down onto the table. Gintoki rolled his eyes and faked a grin "Nothing at all honey!" he batted his eyes innocently and Hijikata's eyebrow twitched in anger.

"Don't even go there, it's fucking creepy!" Hijikata shivered, grimacing. Gintoki stuck his tongue out "Yeah, i noticed... God damn, it felt disgusting to even say it!" he grabbed a napkin and tried to dry off his tongue "Oh, eww!" he sputtered.

Hijikata snorted "Are you so out of work that you have to eat paper to survive? You've really sunk low huh?" he sneered, eyes glinting of mischief and evil. Otae laughed softly "Oh you two! I think this is a good thing, i don't get why you want to end that café at all!"

Hijikata raised a brow, he had seen how Kondo acted around that girl... And so he knew exactly what he would say to get her 'on their team'... seems gintoki was thinking the same. "Yeah? Think about it though, do you really want something that dangerous to keep existing?" Hijikata questioned, and Gintoki nodded in agreement.

Otae raised a brow in question, cocking her head to the side "Oh, and why is that?" it was there that Gintoki decided to take over, he would definately find a way to push just the right buttons... He knew the girl better than Hijikata did anyway...

"Well, if Gorilla decides to take the trip, he could end up getting you... though the chances are extremely small, don't blame me when i laugh in your face after you've been pulled off of the streets and forced to marry him..." Gintoki shrugged, fiddling with the salt container on the table, nearly flipping it over in the process.

Otae froze, and suddenly- her smile seemed just a little bit forced. she leaned in closer, slamming her hands down onto the table "Allright, i'm convinced... We're taking that bitch down!" she hissed, and Gintoki smiled triumphantly "I welcome thee!" he gestured towards her, elegantly with a flick of his wrist. Hijikata knew this was coming, but his eyes still widened and his brow rose.

Her desire to keep away from Kondo was apparently strong enough to overpower her fangirl tendencies, that for some reason is an ability of hers in this fic...

"What do we need to do?" she cracked her knuckles, sitting down next to Gintoki, who lazily moved over to give her space. "No clue... We file a complaint... Or a lawsuit? Whatever floats your boats..." he shrugged, yawning.

"I say we bust in there and beat them into submission..." Otae suggested cruelly, with an awfully cheerful smile on her face, Hijikata nodded "Agreed..."

"Hey, hey! Since when did you become Sougo!? And don't encourage her!" Gintoki hissed, waving his arm weakly in a halfassed attempt at slapping Hijikata, who huffed 

"Hey, freedom of speech remember? besides, that's totally what we should be doing... Just get ourselves a warrant, and arrest the owners..."

Gintoki rolled his eyes "You two scare me sometimes... Well, maybe the doctor's appointment can give us some more evidence against them... I feel like shit, even after ingesting sugar..." he grimaced, placing a hand on his stomach. Hijikata nodded "I hate to say this, but me too... Even mayonnaise haven't made me feel better... There must be something wrong with me..."

Gintoki snorted at this, barking a laugh "There's been something wrong with you for ages! Besides, are you sure the mayonnaise isn't _causing_ this?" he mocked, finally sitting up straight in an attempt at looking superior.

Before Hijikata could retort, Otae cleared her throat "Back to the current topic at hand!" she fumed, sucessfully shutting the two men up. "You go to the doctor, check out whatever made you feel ill- and put a stop to this before it goes somewhere nobody wants it to go..." she shuddered, probably thinking about how it would be to be married to Kondo.

"Agreed..." Gintoki and Hijikata said in unison, glaring at eachother for a split second before their attention returned to Otae.

*

Hijikata exhaled, a puff of smoke rising into the air before disappearing. An entire evening had gone by, and Sougo hadn't tried to kill him even once... Something about a match he wanted to see... Probably something illegal... Hijikata sighed, staring down at the embers on the tip of his cigarette. Married to the yorozuya... Hopefully it would end soon... If not he would probably have to commit seppuku out of shame...

Or better yet, have the sugar freak commit seppuku instead!

The thought sent a pang of nausea through him and he shuddered. Seemed as if his condition got worse everytime he wished for something bad to happen to Gintoki... Hopefully, the doctor's appointment could tell him what was wrong with him...

Hijikata silently listened to the cicadas in the grass around the barracks, he could also pick up laughter from their dojo... The recruits were probably fooling around again... They should all just commit seppuku if they were only going to fool around all the time...

He yawned, contemplating on wether or not to see if there's any more paperwork to do... He finished yesterday's paperwork, and if Hijikata knew the shinsengumi as well as he thought he does- Yamazaki had probably fucked up big time in some way by now...

And sure enough- "Vice commander! We have a problem!" some recruit panted, supporting himself by holding on to his knees, bent over... Hijikata raised a brow "What is it?" he said boredly, putting out his cigarette. "We were supposed to write some reports for the higher-up by tomorrow afternoon, but the pachinko case from a few days ago, took up all of our time and we aren't finished! Please help us!"

Though it wasn't Yamazaki this time- it sure was something to do... Hijika glared "No way... It's your fault for not balancing your work schedule, besides- i wasn't even assigned to that case, it's not my fault that you can't do your job properly!" he bellowed, crossing his arms to emphazise his point. The recruit trembled "B-but... They'll kill us!"

"You should have thought about that before you started goofing off!" Hijikata retorted, shaking his head at the recruit, who was nearing the end of the vice commander's patience. "W-we'll pay you back... In mayonnaise..?" the recruit tried, and Hijikata's head immediately snapped towards him "Fine, i expect at least ten bottles in my room by tomorrow... But don't think i'm doing this only for the mayonnaise, i'm trying to teach you a lesson!" he clarified, though- nobody would believe that if they heard it...

*

Gintoki snorted at the Tv screen. Everything was ruined... "This is bullshit..." he mumbled, switching the channel with a frown. shinpachi smiled apologetically "Ms. Ketsuno Ana can't help being sick can she? Of course they'd find a substitute for the day..." he reassured, placing a cup of tea in the front of the grumbling natural perm. "Ketsuno Ana is a godess! Godesses don't get sick! It's a conspiracy i tell you!" he bellowed, picking up his tea while grumbling on about his so called conspiracies.

"What of some sick son of a bitch kidnapped her? And they had to lie about it, and she's just waiting for her heroic Gin-San to come save her?" he offered, and Shinpachi's brow twitched "How the hell does that even make sense!?" he then managed to compose himself, sighing.

"Anyway, Gin-san... I'll be heading home now... If you get hungry, there's some curry in the fridge... Or was- You never know with Kagura in the house, it's like she has a sensor or something..." Shinpachi said thoughtfully, a small smile pulling the corners of his lips upwards at the thought. "Anyway, goodnight! I'll see you tomorrow!" he waved, slipping his sandals on. "Yeah, be careful on the way home! You don't want some creepy pervert to grab you, do you?" Gintoki teased, chuckling at Shinpachi's indignant "As if..."

Then there was silence, and Gintoki was once against forced to aknowlege the nausea in the pit of his stomach... Though the feeling seemed to have spread sometime during that day... He snorted, poking at his chest in disdain "What the fuck is wrong with you huh? I thought we were buddies!"

He pouted at the betrayal, turning over on the couch "Be like that, you son of a bitch..."


End file.
